:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
