I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
