A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize