Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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