I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize