Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
