my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
