She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
