we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
