im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
