The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
