Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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