My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
