How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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