i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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