I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
