My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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