dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
