The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
