I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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