I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize