I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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