Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
