He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
