it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
