you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
