so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
