I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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