so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
