not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
