my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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