I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
