Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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