You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
