I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
