Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
