uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
