Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
