I am in a vortex of obligation.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
