does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
