No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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