You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This house was built for laser tag.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
