Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
