He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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