I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
