He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
