Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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