Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize