she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
