I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
