Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
