every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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