i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize