People in love make me want to vomit
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
