I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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