Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
