Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so let's talk penis.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
