Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize