My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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